


feelings

by stupideas



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Laps, M/M, and daniel pisses him off, but he grows to love both, i guess, idk what else to tag even, so jonghyun likes minhyun, this is lame like myself thank you very much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 21:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15671844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupideas/pseuds/stupideas
Summary: jonghyun finds himself comparing daniel and minhyun.





	feelings

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta-ed

if anyone asked him whom he loved the most, he'd utter hwang minhyun's name without any hesitation. he'd always adored minhyun, kept him over everyone else, and always loved him.

kim jonghyun met hwang minhyun when they were kids. minhyun had moved into the house next to jonghyun's the day jonghyun had managed to break his leg. jonghyun still regrets not being able to greet minhyun properly, because minhyun deserved so much more then the messy, horrible greeting from his parents with a crying jonghyun by their side, but he also believed it was for his own good.

minhyun had no one to go, and he'd already started liking jonghyun --- something jonghyun never understood --- so he stuck by and watched jonghyun whine, complain and most importantly heal.

maybe that was what had attached him to the hwang. he'd never let jonghyun go, unlike dongho and minki who would team up against jonghyun time and again, or like youngmin, who often ditched them for friends of his own age.

jonghyun wasn't originally a shy kid; he had managed to earn many friends before puberty hit him and gave him ugly pimples in exchange of his brilliant social skills. minhyun still tells him he has it in him, that capability of making people feel comfortable with him, but jonghyun thinks otherwise. he believes it isn't him but rather minhyun's presence that makes everyone around them feel better. after all, minhyun alone has a great effect on him, on everyone around him. minhyun's kindness always raised people's spirits, like it raised his.

deep down, they were all the same. everyone adored minhyun. jonghyun could see it in their eyes, feel that in their actions. minhyun was to be treasured, to be loved, even by jonghyun, and mostly by jonghyun, because all these minhyun only gave him happiness.

it was his feelings that brought him pain.

also, kang daniel.

when he entered a different high school with his three closest friends, he had expected everything to be fine. the four of them were together, and only that mattered to jonghyun. he hadn't planned on making friends. his goal was to pass out and get into a good university, with minhyun. but then came daniel with his obnoxious ass jonghyun couldn't ignore no matter how hard he tried.

at first, they were friends, because both of them minhyun's friends, but as time passed by daniel got on his nerves. he could handle clingy; he had handled minki, but there was something about daniel that always put him off. maybe it was because daniel made it a point to annoy him, or keep him occupied with unnecessary stuffs. he hadn't minded it at first, but when he one day say his minhyun and ong seongwoo chatting in the hallway out his class while he was busy doing daniel's homework, it started bugging him. more like he realized.

daniel was keeping him away from minhyun, hence why daniel was a threat.

he didn't know what the kang hated about him, but he'd always, always get in between him and minhyun, and drive jonghyun nuts.

to jonghyun, it seemed as if daniel had sworn to make his life a hell. ever since daniel happened to him, he was met with really uncomfortable situations --- he had been forced up on stage to dance because someone put his name in the list for 'solo performers'. he knew it was daniel, especially with the cheeky grin he was giving him when jonghyun had arrived for the meeting at 6 a.m., without any idea and preparation because minki only messaged him half an hour earlier so that they could go together.

his phone had been confiscated many times because it kept vibrating every time he was solving something on the board. jonghyun wouldn't lie, he wasn't a goody-two-shoes like everyone assumed him to be, but he definitely wasn't someone who was thirsty for kang. why did daniel always sent him texts that made it seem as if jonghyun was determined to get to him in such situations --- mr. kim always read the juicy stuffs out loud, if he got his hands on them.

jonghyun had to stop using his phone in class and miss out on the fun stuffs after the seventh time that happened. it took him seven times to not trust kang daniel.

but his grades did go up, although it was by a little. still, he was missing out of so much.

his 'study dates' with daniel also took away a lot of his time. he regretted agreeing on the first place; later he realized it was something he could never escape from. daniel went all out with his 'punishments' --- two times jonghyun had to get the love letter daniel wrote under his name for once for miss kahi, and once for miss bae, from the staff room with many, many troubles; he wouldn't want to face mr. park again and again --- and jonghyun didn't want to go back to hell repeatedly, although anywhere with daniel was hell for him. teaching daniel was better, jonghyun had concluded. also, minhyun sometimes came to the library for some student council work. it was better than having a horrible hair loss because of the extra stress he'd have to go through whenever he had to confront both daniel and mr. park on the same day.

he hated daniel for many reasons.

if anyone asked him whom he hated the most, he wouldn't hesitate before calling out daniel's name.

 

* * *

 

there were days when people thought jonghyun was with hwang minhyun, because they were always together. always. there was no jonghyun without minhyun, and no minhyun without jonghyun. they did everything together, stuck together and supported each other every time.

now, daniel and jonghyun were the it couple of mnet. jonghyun didn't know why, or how they even manage to picture them as a "couple" because whatever that was between them was the complete opposite of what couples should have, and it bugged him, because everyone seemed certain about it. when minhyun was once asked about it, he hadn't taken jonghyun's side and said, 'no, they're not together'. he had remained completely silent, eyes containing traces of doubt, unlike all those times when he was asked if he and jonghyun were together.

jonghyun wondered why didn't minhyun deny unlike the previous times when he was asked if he and jonghyun were together? why couldn't he say a simple 'no'? why did he seem as if he wasn't sure, when he had to be, because if there was someone jonghyun didn't do, it was hiding anything that wasn't about his feelings about minhyun, from minhyun?

or from minhyun's perspective, everything. jonghyun had never hid anything from minhyun.

minhyun doubted jonghyun. he doubted their friendship, all because of the rumors of him and daniel floating around the school. jonghyun wondered if it was daniel who started it, because he loved torturing jonghyun, but then the students anywhere always loved assuming. he wondered why couldn't they imagine him and minhyun still. that was more bearable, unlike this, unlike minhyun almost doubting jonghyun's existence, because what made jonghyun was all that was between him and minhyun.

jonghyun wondered if daniel's reply had caused this. when their group of friends had asked, daniel had simply slung his arm over jonghyun's shoulders and pulled him close, and asked them what they really thought. jonghyun had wanted to deny, but before he could, he was pulled away by daniel for their 'study date', which might have stirred all the confusion.

unlike minhyun, daniel never really denied. he didn't lie, except for maybe the date part, but he didn't deny as well. he dropped a question instead, and left them to assume. he wanted them to assume, he wanted them to think they were together. jonghyun didn't know why, but he hated daniel for this, as much as he hated the rumors for being untrue in his and minhyun's case.

minhyun only wanted to be seen as jonghyun's best friend, whereas daniel, daniel wanted to be seen with jonghyun. for what, jonghyun still didn't know --- he didn't want to assume.

he simply termed it as daniel's hate towards jonghyun, but aside the few times daniel got back at him for being an ass, or the eight incidents, daniel hadn't done anything much. jonghyun found out that daniel liked seeing him flustered, like teasing, just like his younger cousins, samuel and daehwi, did. and that one time daniel got him to be up on the stage, he was more thankful. jonghyun wouldn't have never gotten the guts to sign up for it, and daniel knew, so did minhyun.

minhyun never pushed him for anything, daniel did. minhyun made sure jonghyun always felt comfortable, daniel always drove him crazy. minhyun made him happy, but jonghyun had always seen daniel smile because of him.

jonghyun never wanted to assume, but sometimes, sometimes daniel made him feel loved and cherished, just like minhyun did before. but there was a different vibe to it, a different feeling to it. it was always disguised, yet not subtle, whereas minhyun's ranged from direct to subtle, but he always tiptoed around jonghyun. minhyun had never wanted to trouble jonghyun, and he showed it. minhyun knew jonghyun felt burdened by his care sometimes, so he toned it down, but it was always there, and jonghyun felt it.

minhyun was always besides him, protecting him.

daniel, on the other hand, was indirect. if jonghyun hadn't sat down and tried to understand why daniel was daniel the other day when minki mentioned something about jonghyun changing a little by little after meeting daniel, he would've never realized.

jonghyun spent time actually studying than chatting with the others and his grades went up. not just that, when he was with daniel, he managed to do something productive. while doing daniel's work, he learned a lot, and actually managed to do his work better. study dates with daniel always made him realize something more about himself. daniel asked questions out of blue. jonghyun sometimes answered them, sometimes pondered over them, making him know himself more somehow. with daniel, jonghyun went out and enjoyed, though he would never admit that in front of others. daniel always forced him to do things, and every time, he managed to succeed in that. it was as if daniel knew about his strengths when he didn't.

jonghyun became louder, bolder, and the brilliance he had with him --- the one minhyun always referred to, he was getting it back slowly and slowly, because of daniel.

daniel was also, always besides him, but he helped him grow, made him explore himself.

daniel made jonghyun cry, but he also made sure jonghyun stood up. unlike minhyun, he was sometimes harsh with his words, forced down whole a lot of things on jonghyun, but results of those had never been bad. daniel never disappointed him, whereas minhyun always did.

minhyun's care sometimes suffocated jonghyun. jonghyun felt like he didn't deserve it at times. minhyun's no always hurt him. he knows it was his feelings acting up, but he couldn't help it. he could never be open about his feelings with minhyun. minhyun had kind of failed as his best friend. the love jonghyun had for minhyun destroyed jonghyun somehow. the jealousy, the feeling of being unworthy, the reducing self confidence --- being with minhyun gave him those. jonghyun had loved minhyun unhealthily.

jonghyun didn't know what he had with daniel. the more he thought of it, the more he found himself re-enjoying the time they spent together. with daniel, jonghyun felt free. with daniel, he felt confident. with daniel, especially at those times daniel didn't deny, he felt like he was worth something. that he stood somewhere and there was maybe someone out there who'd be willing to love him, although it might not be minhyun. with daniel, he felt loved.

but with that, he couldn't help but feel hurt again, because minhyun would never love him back.

jonghyun still loved minhyun. he wasn't ready to let go of him, because after all, minhyun was the one who taught him what love is.

 

* * *

 

the first time daniel invited jonghyun to see his basketball match, jonghyun had refused. minhyun had his photography exhibition. they always had their important days on the same dates, thus why jonghyun never made it to daniel's matches. somehow, daniel never got back at him for this. he'd always give him an understanding smile and skip off; saying something like, maybe the day hasn't arrived yet. jonghyun never understood. he never tried, either, because at those times, he'd be more focused on minhyun. those were the only times daniel allowed him to focus on minhyun.

this time though, jonghyun didn't want to face minhyun.

it was jealously, something jonghyun had made sure wouldn't bother him, but he couldn't stand it anymore.

if photography and basketball intersected then so did the debate and the dance.

ong seongwoo was a great debater. jonghyun respected him for that, and loved hearing him speak, too, but if had to choose between minhyun and seongwoo, he would ditch the debates although he loved it. that was what he would do for minhyun. heck, he would even abandon his love besides minhyun for someone like daniel, so it didn't make sense to him when minhyun chose to go to seongwoo.

did he not matter anymore? or was it seongwoo who started mattering more? he didn't know, but he sure felt down because of minhyun's lack of support. it was only his second dance show.

jonghyun felt betrayed and hurt, and daniel's smile didn't help him.

jonghyun did okay, not as much as he should've, because there were two emotions bothering him: jealousy and guilt.

daniel was indeed so much better than minhyun, and all this time he was treating minhyun better.

jonghyun had been so hurt that he stopped caring. he didn't care if minhyun showed up late, sweaty and tired, to greet jonghyun. he didn't care about the fact that seongwoo was with him, trying to muster up a smile. he didn't care about minhyun's salt allergy. he had seongwoo. seongwoo would take care of him. after all, minhyun didn't need him, did he? he didn't care if his eyes were blurring with unshed tears. he didn't care when minhyun tried to speak to him.

he only did care when daniel slipped his hand into his own, and held him tight, to assure him that he's there. he only got his sense back when daniel pulled him close, when he inhaled daniel's perfume, when daniel managed a smile and told minhyun how proud he was of his jonghyun for doing so well today.

his.

jonghyun felt even guiltier and minhyun's betrayed gaze didn't help. minhyun's pained gaze didn't help, and the way daniel gently planted a kiss on top of jonghyun's head made it worse.

maybe for the first time he saw similarities between daniel and minhyun; both of them were something he'd want to run away from, but couldn't.

 

* * *

 

maybe it was jonghyun's smile that was off, or his slumped shoulders, but he received apologies from three people on monday. one was seungwoo, who told him why minhyun showed up late and with him. apparently, seongwoo had no one to support him, so he had made minhyun promise to accompany him. minhyun, oh minhyun. he must have promised seongwoo not knowing that the dates clashed. was jonghyun that insignificant, that he couldn't even remember that one date?

jonghyun told seongwoo that he wasn't at fault at all, and bid him farewell to go to class, promising that if he could, next time he would be the one to support seongwoo. seongwoo seemed grateful, and it made jonghyun feel bad for acting horribly with him of all people.

the next was daniel. it came as a surprise for jonghyun, considering how daniel, just like minhyun, never really apologized. daniel had always kept that word to himself, especially when it came to jonghyun, so jonghyun didn't know how to respond. moreover, he didn't know why daniel was apologizing? was it because he felt bad for jonghyun? or was it for the kiss, and everything that had jonghyun steady yet breaking?

jonghyun forgave him though, mainly because it wasn't daniel's fault. he was the one, who was to be sorry, and he was, but he couldn't bring himself to say it, because he was a coward. he always hated confrontations.

the last one was unexpectedly from minhyun.

jonghyun hadn't seen this one coming at all, although he was hoping minhyun would come around sooner, because this time jonghyun wasn't sure he would be able to forgive minhyun easily.

'sorry,' minhyun had said, 'i had promised seongwoo, i didn't know.'

jonghyun had replied him with a rushed 'yeah, seongwoo told me, it's okay,' before leaving.

although he was kind of happy that minhyun was the first one to approach this time, and apologize, he didn't want to be around minhyun. he didn't want to be reminded of minhyun anymore, not until he was over his feelings.

he had decided to let minhyun go, and embrace daniel as a part of his life. he didn't want to feel the jealousy anymore, not the guilt. he didn't want to feel ugly; he just wanted to be loved.

 

* * *

 

'so you ditched minhyun because he ditched you last week? didn't know you could be this petty,' minki told him when they met on monday, two days after daniel's match and minhyun's exhibition.

'well,' jonghyun started, 'i did go to his exhibition yesterday. his pictures were nice, as always,' he gave minki a feeble smile, which made minki roll his eyes and grumble. it wasn't a lie; jonghyun did visit the room where minhyun's pictures had been put up. he thought it was petty of him, too, and somewhere, he didn't want to change this constant of his life. he didn't want to miss any one of his best friend's exhibitions.

'basketball matches don't come always. also, i've been rejecting daniel a lot,' jonghyun said again, when he heard no more naggings from minki.

minki nodded; 'i get that! i understand, but minhyun was, you know, really hoping you'd come, although he was kind of sure you wouldn't after last week's incident.'

'certain things... have to be changed, i guess,' jonghyun replied, unsure himself.

'we thought we'd never break this tradition of ours?'

'i did visit yesterday! i can describe each picture still, so i don't think why should it matter?'

minki let out a sigh, unable to answer jonghyun.

'also, it's not my, nor daniel's, nor minhyun's fault the day for the exhibition and basketball is always the same. daniel and minhyun are both important to me, so i had to adjust everything somehow.' jonghyun breathed out, 'does this make me a bad friend?'

a series of silence followed. minki's brows were furrowed together, as if in deep thought, but he eventually broke out into a grin and ruffled jonghyun's hair. 'don't ditch your friends just because you want to be a good boyfriend, and i'm fine,' he paused for a while, 'others will be too, after the talk.'

jonghyun groaned, slapping minki's hand away. 'we're not dating,' he stated, pressing on each word as he did so. minki shrugged, muttering a 'whatever' before the others joined them.

'oh, jonghyun's not with his boyfriend today?' dongho exclaimed as soon as he spotted him. jonghyun shot him a glare as he took a seat next to minki and minhyun sat beside him. he pretended not to see minhyun, and was about to retort back when both minki and minhyun spoke up.

'they're not dating.'

jonghyun's head whipped towards minhyun, eyes widened slightly in shock. the other two slipped back into their usual banter, but jonghyun remained still, analyzing minhyun's features. minki had a bored tone as he informed dongho, whereas minhyun's tone was sure, which was unlike the minhyun jonghyun had known days ago.

minhyun wasn't looking at him. he had his eyes glued to the screen in front of him, scrolling down through God knows what on his phone. he was avoiding jonghyun, or at least, looking at him.

jonghyun wondered if minhyun was mad at him, but again, he didn't have the right to be.

huffing slightly, he turned back to face minki and tell him he was about to leave, but minhyun suddenly spoke up, causing everyone to freeze at their table.

'i asked why didn't you come on friday?' minhyun asked again.

dongho was about to bring up daniel again, jonghyun was sure, but minki slapped his hand on dongho's mouth and then dragged him away, mouthing jonghyun to 'clear it'. maybe he'd already noticed how tensed the two were, or maybe minki didn't want to be involved in a fight that wasn't started by him. jonghyun was grateful yet not, but he decided that it was the best time to sort out everything between him and minhyun, so it would be easier for him in a way.

jonghyun exhaled slowly, head hanging low. somehow, he couldn't bring himself to face minhyun, but he would, somehow. he hoped to.

'daniel had a match that day,' jonghyun exhaled; 'i'm sorry.'

'oh,' came minhyun's reply. jonghyun closed his eyes shut, anticipating for any kind of blow. he could feel minhyun's anger, though it still didn't make sense to him, but he guessed, minhyun was in his shoes now, and he hadn't liked it at all when he was at that place.

'but i did visit yesterday,' jonghyun decided to hastily add, 'your photos were nice.'

'and how was his game?'

jonghyun ignored how the word 'his' rolled off minhyun's tongue. 'he did great,' he replied honestly, 'i didn't know he was that good.'

'he always does great,' minhyun scoffed, 'he doesn't need your support like i do.'

jonghyun knew it was the time. he had thought he'd listen to minhyun, but seeing how daniel was dragged into this, how minhyun was implying that daniel didn't need him, he wanted to speak back.

he might not have needed my support, but he makes me feel wanted, unlike you, jonghyun had wanted to say, but what left his lips was different.

'youngmin, minki and dongho were there.'

he didn't want to hurt minhyun still.

'and you?' minhyun fired back.

'at daniel's,' jonghyun's voice was dipped with sarcasm as he rolled his eyes, suddenly even more enraged. 'look, you have four friends tagging along every year, but daniel has none. fans aside, he has no one close to him support him, and he's my friend too.' jonghyun made a point to stress on 'friend', finally looking up to meet minhyun's gaze, 'plus exhibitions last for days, min, matches don't last that long. i visited yesterday too, so i don't see why you're so pissed off about this!'

by the time he was finished, jonghyun was breathing heavily. minhyun's face had contorted from angry to hurt, and jonghyun could say that this time, it had hit minhyun really hard, but he also knew he was right on his place. it was like he completely tossed minhyun aside. he hadn't.

'i needed you there, jonghyun,' minhyun broke the silence with his soft voice. his shoulders were down, and so were his eyes. jonghyun almost felt bad for minhyun but he wasn't buying minhyun's words this time. if he was, why did he always feel insignificant? as if he didn't matter? why did minhyun never manage to calm him? ease his insecurities?

jonghyun scoffed, 'as if.'

maybe if he hadn't gone to daniel's match on friday, if daniel's face hadn't brightened (and pinked) on seeing him, if daniel hadn't done exceptionally well, if daniel hadn't engulfed him in his arms as soon as the match was over, if daniel hadn't kept looking his way whenever he got the chance to, jonghyun would've been able to believe minhyun a little, but that friday had been the best friday in his entire life.

jonghyun had never guessed he had that in him, to make people feel better, to make them better, and he also hadn't guessed that daniel would've been able to make him feel all of that. better. wanted. special. loved.

all of which he had never really felt when he was with minhyun.

maybe, he had, but that was a distant memory. as they grew up, the less he felt better about himself. he was so occupied on loving minhyun, that he forgot what it was like to love himself. minhyun this, minhyun that, minhyun everything --- where was jonghyun?

maybe in minhyun's heart, but only as the best friend who lives next door.

jonghyun's feelings were getting the best of him again, something jonghyun never liked.

he needed to handle the situation more properly.

'look, i'm sorry,' i love you, 'only that way made sense to me. i'm sorry.' i only wanted to feel needed.

the air suddenly became heavy, and jonghyun didn't know how to deal with it. such situations never rose between minhyun and him. there might have been small fights here and there, but it was never serious, and minhyun was never as stubborn, at least not when it came to him. in jonghyun's life there had only been a constant: his and minhyun's friendship that was almost always peaceful. he thought that would remain constant forever too, although maybe they'd become something more. but minhyun and he always had a sort of understanding --- things between them were never iffy, not until last week. or, not before everything hit jonghyun like a truck.

everything changed at one point, and their friendship was no exception to that.

'no... no, it's fine,' minhyun finally spoke up ending the few moments of complete quietness. 'i just- i can bear anything but you not being a constant in my life.'

minhyun's honesty spoke to him this time. jonghyun breath hitched, brain still trying to process minhyun's words. it was a confession, a great one, and it was coming from minhyun.

minhyun cherished jonghyun.

hadn't jonghyun always wanted this? to be something to minhyun and not just a leech? he was minhyun's friend, but he hardly ever felt like one, mainly because it was always minhyun who gave and gave. minhyun protected him, minhyun tried fulfilling all his wishes, minhyun gave him space, minhyun made sure he only gave happiness to jonghyun.

jonghyun was always at the receiving end. he felt so worthless, so flawed, as if he was nothing. he always felt minhyun would do better without him, though minhyun always reminded him about his importance in his life. every time, jonghyun felt as if he was the one holding him back, although minhyun always said he motivated minhyun.

jonghyun was always caught up in his insecurities to notice his strengths. minhyun had always wanted him to see that; it was jonghyun who kept blocking minhyun.

anyway, jonghyun had still been a bad friend.

maybe if it hadn't been for kang daniel, he'd always be one.

with tears brimming in his eyes, a short laugh, a genuine one, escaped jonghyun's lips. his chest was fluttering with joy whilst confusion greeted minhyun. he didn't bother clearing minhyun's confusion however. he'd do it later.

'change is what makes life life, minhyun,' he stood up from his place and minhyun followed his suite, worry etched in his face. jonghyun only felt warmer. 'but i promise to be by your side.'

maybe he didn't have to let go of minhyun to be okay. maybe he didn't have to force himself to love daniel. all he had to do was accept himself, and things would fall back on its place.

 

* * *

 

jonghyun pretended to be busy with his books when daniel pulled the chair across him and sat down.

'i know you see me, jong,' daniel laughed, propping his elbow on the table and resting his chin on his palm. jonghyun tried to dismiss the uneasiness bubbling on the pit of his stomach due to daniel's stare by ignoring him, but his actions seemed to have the opposite effect.

jonghyun sighed, giving up. he placed his pen down and closed his book, grumbling 'yeah, what do you want now' under his breath.

daniel grinned, finally getting the reaction he wanted.

'your attention,' he replied cheekily.

jonghyun rolled his eyes, 'i'm busy. leave me alone.'

'it doesn't seem like it.'

jonghyun gave him a tight lipped smile. 'yeah. exams aren't coming. i don't need to study.'

'nah, you just need to make time for other things too.' daniel stated in a matter of fact tone. jonghyun was slowly losing his patience.

'i don't see what else i should focus on.'

'me.'

both of them froze at daniel's reply. jonghyun had somehow sensed it coming, especially with the way he was constantly avoiding daniel and minhyun, but he hadn't prepared himself for it.

trying to save himself from the coming trouble, jonghyun laughed awkwardly. 'that was funny.'

he hoped daniel got the message, like he almost always did, but when he looked at daniel, the boy seemed to have something else in his head. he didn't have a sheepish grin dangling on his lips, but his face was serious, and gaze piercing. jonghyun swallowed a little.

'i need to---''jonghyun, please.'

jonghyun shut his mouth and held his breath.

'i can't keep doing this. i miss you.'

there, daniel had dropped it. he hadn't said it directly, but they knew what was lingering in the air between them. jonghyun knew what daniel wanted to imply, and daniel very well knew jonghyun knew it. jonghyun had never been good at hiding anything aside his feelings for minhyun, and he could never hide anything from daniel.

for daniel, he was an open book, and jonghyun hated that more than anything.

but he wasn't going to give in so easily. he wasn't ready.

'daniel, can we talk about this after the exams? i'm---''no.' daniel's cut him off, 'more than two years, jonghyun, and i know you've realized it for some time. i can see that.'

jonghyun remained silent.

'look, i know you and minhyun had some shit between the two of not long ago, but why am i getting punished? sometimes you make me feel like i'm that one and from the next day, you start avoiding me. what have i done wrong?'

'you chose me,' jonghyun breathed out, of all---'

'i never had a choice! if i could i would save myself from a heartbreak. i know you like him. i've always known. and i'm tired of fighting him, jonghyun, i'm so tired,' daniel was slowly breaking, and jonghyun hated to witness that. but he stayed, lips quivering out of guilt because he'd made daniel like this. if only he hadn't been greedy, if only he hadn't been caught up in his own pain, if only.

'i'm---'

'don't say that, please.' daniel begged, 'don't say it yet.'

jonghyun bit down his lip harshly, suppressing everything. he saw it. he saw how daniel's shoulders dropped down, how his breathing quickened, and how he shut his eyes to hold back the tears. jonghyun felt bad. he felt bad for misleading him. he should've asked him to stop when he knew, but he didn't. instead, he kept being selfish.

it was all his fault and he had to make it right now.

he stood up from his seat and went behind daniel. daniel hadn't realized; the way he flinched when jonghyun combed daniel's hair gently with his fingers, muttering sorry, gave it off. he must've meant so much to daniel, jonghyun thought, breathing out sorry again and again. he was such a bad person. daniel never deserved all of that.

jonghyun stiffened when daniel grabbed his hand.

'please,' jonghyun's heart cracked a little with daniel's voice, 'don't.'

jonghyun nodded, understanding. daniel let go of his hand. jonghyun proceeded to collect all his items and leave, although he was itching to stay. but this time, he wouldn't do anything that'd give him false hopes.

jonghyun exited the room with a heavy heart.

 

when jonghyun reached his room, he finally broke down. he'd managed to put up his facade in front of everyone, but when he was met with isolation, he let it all out. jonghyun had held it for the longest time. he thought he'd heal before doing anything, and had failed to realize that confronting was the first step to healing.

it was the first step to becoming a better person, and jonghyun had fucked up by skipping the necessary steps.

he wondered why was he such a failure in life? and of all people, why did daniel have to be hurt? why couldn't it be him instead? he could live with his one-sided love for minhyun until he reached his grave, but not with the guilt of having broken someone's heart. he had used daniel.

jonghyun had never felt so ashamed, so alone in his life.

why couldn't he have fallen for daniel instead? it would've been easier that way for him, for daniel and for minhyun. he wondered if he hadn't broken his leg that very day, would things have turned out differently? if he hadn't insisted on changing high schools because minhyun was, would it have been different? if he hadn't met daniel, if he hadn't gone to his game instead, would everything have been better?

if he hadn't existed, would it have been better?

jonghyun wiped his tears harshly.

he remembered that one time youngmin had caught him being, what minki would say, extremely stupid. he remembered the promise he had made with youngmin.

he still had to pay everything back. pay back the happiness he had received, return the tears others' shed for him; he had a lot to do, a lot to live for.

jonghyun still had to give daniel the happiness he deserved, be it in any way. jonghyun still had to thank seongwoo for being considerate, and be a better friend to him. jonghyun still had to give youngmin the support he once lent to him. jonghyun still had to return minki all the favors. jonghyun still had to ruin dongho's life for all those times dongho accidently opened his mouth and said something unnecessarily stupid.

he had to keep his parents happy. he had to set a good example to his cousins --- they looked up to him. he had to return those expectations, and most importantly, he needed to make minhyun happy, make him proud. and he could only do that by overcoming, being good to himself.

 

although minhyun was going to leave him with a broken heart, he wanted to give minhyun a reason to smile. he might not receive love back, but he'd still want to devote himself to minhyun.

he could maybe never get over minhyun, and he wouldn't let that become his weakness. instead, minhyun would be his strength, and minhyun's happiness would be his, and he would also be one of the reasons minhyun looks forward to the next day.

like youngmin says, the reason to live, the reason to still keep existing. jonghyun would be that constant in minhyun's life that would provide him comfort rather than burden, and he could only do that by changing.

 

the few days jonghyun keeps his nose buried in his books. he'd give daniel a slight smile whenever they passed by, constant smacks to dongho for not concentrating, and support whenever minki or minhyun needed it.

youngmin had also visited them. jonghyun had once again broken down in his arms, but the elder didn't question it. none of the four did. for jonghyun to open up like that meant a lot and it always meant a good thing rather than bad, so they let it be.

jonghyun was thankful for that, but wasn't really for what followed.

when jonghyun had finally calmed down, minhyun suddenly approached him and wrapped his arms around jonghyun, pulling him into a hug.

jonghyun had stiffened and turned into a bright shade of pink. he was left in an awkward position; he couldn't figure out what to do. it wasn't minki nor youngmin, and not daniel, it was minhyun.

jonghyun's breath got stuck in his throat when minhyun tightened the hug. without thinking much, he awkwardly placed his hands on minhyun's back, his breathing coming to match with minhyun's pace, his ear pressed against minhyun's chest. being able to hear minhyun's heart --- jonghyun never thought he'd live to this day, although he had always wished he did.

like their breaths, even their hearts were in sync. jonghyun wondered if minhyun was feeling as nervous as him, because this was rare. they'd never been this close physically, mainly because both of them weren't that fond of skinships, and with jonghyun's feelings in the way, he wouldn't have dared.

he always subtly ignored minhyun's hugs.

the last time they hugged was a decade ago, and for what, jonghyun didn't remembered. he didn't wish to. not now.

jonghyun decided he'd take full advantage of this situation. he relaxed a little, and little by little, allowed all of his senses to pick up all of minhyun.

jonghyun he felt minhyun's breath against his skin. shiver ran down his spine, and the fact that he was surrounded by his scent, didn't help calm his nerves.

jonghyun hummed back as a response, not letting go of minhyun yet. he kept his eyes closed, savoring the moment, and thanking the heavens above for being kind to him. when he felt like he was done, he reluctantly pulled away, and met his gaze.

jonghyun shot a smile his way, expecting minhyun to return it back, but instead minhyun looked away. jonghyun hadn't missed the slight movement of minhyun's lips however.

jonghyun still felt giddy about that day, and minhyun was still slightly stiff around him. jonghyun would be lying if he said he was okay --- no sane person would be that interested in books --- but he labeled everything as 'exam stress'. minhyun and he knew it better, though.

and maybe daniel.

one of the day he'd met daniel, he was with minhyun. he was somehow always with minhyun these days, but that day minhyun's attitude was different. right when daniel was in sight, minhyun had slung his arm around jonghyun's shoulders, getting a little intimate than usual. jonghyun would've spared him a glare if he wasn't busy on collecting himself. daniel saw them, together, and gave jonghyun the knowing look. jonghyun had mouthed an 'i don't have a clue about this his way, but he had ignored it with a smug grin and gave him a wink, after which minhyun decided that he wouldn't let go of jonghyun's hand almost the entire day.

needless to say, jonghyun was not okay the whole day.

 

he was thankful he hadn't spoiled his exams because of the external stress.

 

'it's the last day. let me live,' jonghyun crinkled his nose when he heard jaehwan yelling from the other class. he wouldn't be surprised to know if the other was drunk, but he prayed he wasn't, because it was their last day, and he wouldn't want many troubles.

last day almost meant seeing some of his friends maybe for the last time. he had greeted seongwoo that morning, and both of them had exchanged phone numbers because accounts on social medias were short lived, and jonghyun would love to get seongwoo's opinions on a lot of things. he liked seongwoo as a person a lot. he could see why minhyun was friends with him.

jonghyun also met daniel.

he was on the basketball court surrounded by the juniors giving them advices and what not --- it was one of the rare times when jonghyun got to see daniel being mature and it made his heart swell with pride somehow. the kids really adored daniel, anyone could see that.

when daniel seemed to finally done with greeting everyone, jonghyun called him out. daniel approached him with his usual smile. before jonghyun could utter a word, he found himself in daniel's embrace.

'you're sweaty,' jonghyun mumbled against daniel's shirt but didn't pull away. he heard daniel laugh.

'you love me,' daniel mused playfully.

jonghyun made a face and pushed him away, 'as if. should i remind you what had happened?'

daniel gave him a cheeky smile. 'you were going to run away with me.'

jonghyun only shook his head and raised his hands up tiredly, 'i give up, kang daniel. you win, i lose.'

daniel hummed. 'i still love you, though,' he quickly pressed a chaste kiss on jonghyun's cheek and ran off smiling, leaving jonghyun to process everything slowly. he stood there rooted on the spot.

'what was---?'

'what are you going to do about his confession?' jonghyun jumped, clutching his chest as he faced the source of the voice. minhyun.

he let out an irritated sigh. 'you scared me!' he pushed his friend away playfully. 'go away.'

minhyun gave him a straight face. 'i dont plan to.'

jonghyun huffed. 'then stay here. i'm leaving.'

he spun on his heels to turn around and leave, but minhyun managed to hold his wrist and yank him back to him. jonghyun yelped, steadying himself. 'minhyun.' he muttered a bit threateningly.

'what are you going to do about his confession?' minhyun repeated himself once again.

'what do you mean 'confession'? he wasn't even serious!' jonghyun retorted back. 'we talked about it. we're cool.'

minhyun rolled his eyes. 'you really think?'

'yes.'

'he could be lying.'

'i would know if he has feelings for me or not.'

'all these years you couldn't even guess i liked you. what would you know about his feelings?'

'it's---' jonghyun paused in the middle of his sentence, registering what minhyun had just said. 'did you just...? no. wait, wait. what did you just say hwang minhyun? you like me? you liked me all these years--- don't walk away, i'm still talking!' jonghyun yelled, jogging to catch up with minhyun.

'minhyun, stop. at least let me tell you i like you too! min.'

 


End file.
